Humanity's Cleanest
by Scepidilionz
Summary: Hanji invents something that will change the life within the walls forever, and in the process, creates a monster dubbed "Humanity's Cleanest." Puns and 'dirty' jokes surely follow.


Levi passed Hanji's room for the upteenth time, hearing her tinker away. He was her guard today, as Moblit was out with the flu. However, he always got nervous whenever he was near one of her experiments. Especially this time of the year.

Every year on his birthday, Hanji gave him something weird, that he could have no possible use for, or something that nearly killed him. Last year, it was a compound razor, unlike the straight blades that were common throughout the walls. It had four little blades, attached to a stick. It worked well at first, until he cut himself and got blood everywhere. The year before that it was shoes that had a heel inside them, to make him taller without anyone realising that he was wearing heels. While it was clever, it was also moderately insulting. The year before that it was a fork attached to a mechanical arm, that brought pie to his face. This was… humiliating. Especially when he was forced to demonstrate it, only to have it jab his eye.

"ARLERT!" Hanji called, and the blonde came scurrying through the hallways. Hanji had been using his brain to pick hers, as he was really the only one who could keep up with her banter when she was like this. After a few moments of him being inside the room, a _vroooom_ was heard, along with Hanji's cheering.

Levi looked in curiously, seeing a barrel attached to what appeared to be a thick garden hose, with a triangular funnel at the end. The barrel had wheels on it, so it was probably made to move around. But that loud noise it was making! He felt like he was listening to Armin and Jean fuck. It was that bad of a noise. "Hanji, can you make it stop?" He watched her wave things in front of the funnel, only for the funnel to pull it into the hose. He could hear it clang as soon as it got into the barrel. What was this thing?

"Yahoo!" Hanji waved it around, he could see how stiff the hose was, she was able to keep it straight as she dragged it across the ceiling. What was it doing? "Hey Levi, come test it!"

"Absolutely not. It's way too loud." He frowned, folding his arms. He could see the look of disappointment on her face. She always won when she did that, "What is it, four eyes?"

"It's… Your birthday present. Happy birthday." She said, passing it to him. "I know last year I… gave you that giant wound on your face… But this year will make up for it. I promise." She seemed awfully sincere and apologetic, it creeped Levi out. "It's called a vacuum. It sucks up dirt and stuff…"

Levi's eyes went wide, was she about to cry? "Oh, that's kinda cool Hanji!" He forced enthusiasm. He wasn't sure that this thing would work, but if it could stop her from crying, he would test it out. "Just… Don't cry okay? I'll test it out." Armin watched in wonder as the Captain hugged Hanji, patting her back. Wow, she was right, she could get him to do anything by forcing a few tears!

"Thanks Levi!" She smiled, all tears slipping from her face, and Levi realised he had been had. "Here, let's go to the mess hall!" She cheered, dragging her invention behind her.

"You knew?" Levi asked Armin with a death glare.

"I… may or may not owe her money now." Armin winced nervously. The squad leader had made a bet as to how well she could manipulate Levi. And… It was startling how well she could. He couldn't help but wonder when she had discovered this ability, "...Why?"

"Ask me that one more time and I'll castrate Kirschstein." Levi said, following Hanji through the halls, Armin alongside him. "With a spoon."

'Got it." Armin nodded rapidly. Levi wasn't the type to make promises he didn't keep… And that most likely applied to threats as well.

Hanji swung the doors to the mess hall open, and stepped inside. As usual, it wasn't cleaned to Levi's standards. "Tch. Disgusting." he said as he kicked what was probably week old cornbread from the floor. "Those brats are slacking again. Maybe I should threaten them some more."

Hanji passed him her new invention, "Go on, suck it up!"

"Excuse me?" Did she just imply that he was a… sniveling whimp?

"The vacuum. It can suck up that cornbread." She put her hands on her hips in one single, fluid motion. "Did you think I meant something else?" Of course, her words were deliberate. She had just gotten the chance to tell Humanity's strongest to 'suck it up'. Priceless.

Levi nodded, turning the contraption on, and instantly that infernal noise fill the air. But bam! The cornbread was gone! His eyes went wide, realising the implications of this, and before he knew it he had cleaned the entire mess hall, with Hanji watching over like a proud mother. When he was done, he turned the machine off, "Hanji. I need… A thousand."

"Actually, making these and selling them would give the survey corps an extra source of funding." All of her other inventions had gone to good use like that. They sold the blueprints in exchange for money, as well as a small sum for every product sold from that point on. Her compound razors had been a big hit! "But you get to have the first one!"

"Hanji." He put her hands on her shoulders, "You're the best."

"Eh?" All this over one of her inventions? Apparently it was her birthday and not his! "Aw come on Levi, it's not that impressive-" He kissed her cheek, saying thanks, and walking away with the vacuum. He was going to clean _everything._

* * *

No one could sleep for days. The incessant _vroom_ filling the hallways kept everyone awake. Ah, at least it drowned out Nanaba's sleep singing of, 'I'm a banana.' But that was irrelevant, as none of them could sleep. Alas, Erwin decided that enough was enough, he had to put a stop to this.

He stepped out into the hallway, where Levi was still cleaning. The man hardly ever slept, so the lack of sleep wouldn't be bothering him, but it sure as hell was bothering everyone else. For once, Hanji's yearly invention wasn't haunting Levi, but all the others instead. Hanji's other inventions had been pure genius, and even allocated the funding for other experiments, well, except the self moving fork. That one was a disaster.

"Levi!" He called into the darkness, being greeted by the steady hum of the machine. He could make out Levi's form through a silhouette cast by a moonlit window. "It's time to turn that off. People are trying to sleep."

"Well you know what Erwin? You turn me off." Levi said as he scuttled off. No one was going to take this pleasure away from him. No one. Not even Erwin.

* * *

The following week was crazy, for everyone.

"Hey Armin~" Jean purred as he came up behind the blonde, wrapping his arms around his waist. He was reading something, but it was too complicated for Jean to make out. "I'm lonely." The two had been alone all day, but Armin had hardly taken a look at him. He did everything to be as sexy possible, just the way he knew the blonde liked it, but he was too absorbed in whatever he was reading!

"I'm sorry Jean. I'm just trying to think of applications of Hanji's invention, besides a cleaning machine." He sighed, closing the book. "But I can't concentrate. My head is foggy because I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep because of Levi." He looked up at Jean, kissing his chin, "I'm sorry I've been so boring lately."

'Not at all. You're sorta cute when you're focused." He looked angry whenever he was reading, he was so concentrated.

"Sorta?" Armin asked with a pout, "But Jean, you know I'm always trying to be cute when you're around." He turned to face him, feeling playful. He noticed that he wasn't wearing a shirt, "Though Jean, you could at least try to do something productive while I'm working?"

"Being hot isn't productive? Gosh. I was hoping I could make a full time job out of it. You did tell me when you were hammered out of your mind on your twenty first birthday that I could be a model." He played with Armin's hair, biting his ear, "Or was that a lie?"

"Yeah, if you took care of yourself!" He pounced on him, laughing. Ah, Armin's smile was just so beautiful. If only he smiled more often. "What?"

"Armin, I wanna blow you." He purred licking his lover's neckline, making Armin laugh some more.

"Geez Jean. It's two in the afternoon." Though it would help clear his head. In fact, they were both so distracted that they didn't notice the hum of the vacuum getting closer. They were too lost in each other's kisses to notice the door open.

"Stop blowing each other for two seconds." They were greeted by the captain, and his best friend, "Because the suction power of this thing will _blow_ your mind."

* * *

The new Commander of the Garrison regiment, Rico Brzenska, stood with Hanji and Erwin, going over plans to make the walls safer for the soldiers on the top. Hanji also had new ideas to make the cannons more accurate.

Hanji looked between the two, seeing that their pinkies were barely grazing eachother's on top of the table. How cute! She would simply have to make sure they went on a date, there were obviously feelings lingering between the two. "So, it's much more important that we fine tune the gunpowder than the cannons themselves." She went on, though the two weren't really listening, though they were nodding along. "I watched Mike kiss a banana today a little too sexually." She lied, gauging their reactions. They just continued nodding along. "Levi likes to bend Eren over on your desk, Erwin."

"Brilliant." Erwin said, continuing to nod. He wasn't really paying attention at all. He was too out of sorts to, "Could we continue this another time, Hanji?"

"I agree, this is way too much information to take in at one time, even for me." Rico nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, well neither of you are focused on the information, you're more concerned with taking in something else!" She picked up the paper with a huff, startling Erwin, who was staring at it, "You two _suck_!" All of her hard work and they were too concerned with each other to notice! This was so unlike them!

"Forgive me while my vacuum gives the carpet the succ." Levi said as he entered the room and turned on the contraption, a smile on his face, and a startled glance from everyone else in the room.

* * *

"Well, all I'm saying is that the new recruits are too disrespectful to their seniors." Jean went on, talking to Eren, who was taking the side of the newbies. "They haven't seen the outside of the walls, so they can quit acting like hotshots until they see it. Good soldiers are going to die out there defending them."

"Um." Christa chimed in, tucking her hair behind her ear, "But we did the same thing… Well… You did the same thing. The rest of us were respectful for the most part."

"Tell 'em." Ymir said, one arm around her girlfriend. She was so smart! Ah, and beautiful too. She would do anything for Christa. Eren couldn't help but laugh in agreement, telling Jean how much of an asshole he used to be, before Armin changed him.

Jean looked terribly offended, "Yeah, well I cleaned up my act-" A _vroom_ started to approach. They all knew their lives were in danger.

"Well your act is not the only thing you'll be cleaning if you don't get out of my way." Levi said as he approached, and the group scattered.

* * *

Hanji looked to Levi's sullen broom, it stood in the corner of her lab, where she had taped a picture of Levi's face to it. She liked to talk to it when she needed to bounce ideas off of someone, Fortunately, for that process she didn't need to hear an answer back, talking just got her thoughts in order. She had upset the natural balance of the universe when she created the vacuum. It was her fault. So now she had to fix it.

"Levi!" She shouted into the halls, but no response echoed back, "I am going to clean the floors with you if you do not answer me back!"

"Learn to wipe your own ass first!" He finally responded. He was in the middle of cleaning Mike's room, where Mike and Nanaba were looking extremely invaded and vulnerable.

"I'm having loads of fun over here! Doing laundry! The old fashion way! If we mop together, we could have buckets of fun!" Anything to get him away from that vacuum!

Levi hissed, and Nanaba and Mike took the opportunity to restrain him. Hanji had created a monster, and she was going to bring him down!

She took a step towards him, "You know, the mirrors are foggy, and I could really see us cleaning them." Levi flinched. The puns. They were too powerful. They were weakening his will to clean! Instead, he just wanted to punch her in the face for making them! How dare she insult him in such a manner?! He was humanity's cleanest!

She knelt in front of him. "Levi. I release you from the hell I have created." She reached for the vacuum, and Levi's eyes went wide in fear. She tore off the hose in one swift movement, and Levi started to cry. His life was over. He was a broken shell of a man with no purpose to live. He had cleaned his last room.

Dammit Hanji. Another one of his inventions that he had managed to hurt himself with!


End file.
